It’s my belief that everyone who identifies as a Divine Feminine twin flame has a goddess inside her. Mine has been pushing ever harder over the last eighteen months or so to shine her radiant light through me and out into the world outside. The point is that as our souls grow towards ascension, we embody our higher, Divine, sovereign selves more and more, anchoring our goddess self in our physical bodies, for all the world to see. This pushes many of our comfort zones and requires us to completely cast aside limiting self-beliefs or ideas that we are not worthy.
As I come to what I believe is the close of a long learning cycle which has been about this internal and external growth, about growing into my power and divinity, it’s so easy to see, looking back, that that is what’s been happening. At the time, though, it was a chaos and confusion of jumping from one scary piece of guidance to the next, doing my best to stand in fearlessness and trust and not allow my ego to warn me off doing this or that, and pretty much walking in the dark in terms of my spiritual journey at large because progress in any other way was pretty much at a standstill during this time of great growing pains and conquering the negative programmes that unleash fear-thoughts over every risk or leap of faith I take.
I am hoping that I stand now at the dawning of a new phase, bathed in sunlight; charged by moonlight; walking with my angel, archangel, faery and mermaid kin; allowing the storm of my soul to rage at last, singing out its thunder and carving out new timelines with its lightning in the physical world; allowing myself to embody the incarnate Goddess I truly am, with beauty, grace and radiance.
And nowhere more so has this lesson been evident than in my twin flame journey. I have done so much inner work that I thought a long time ago that I was ready for sacred union, and I’m not sure whether I was just romanticising it, or whether I just didn’t know enough back then. But sacred union, in the current world paradigm, is challenging. Even if you’re a powerful angelic warrior, we still have human egos to transcend, which are prey to addictions, fear-thoughts, negative programmes and self-images, as well as superiority and inferiority complexes, dramas caused by heightened emotions, emotional triggers and limiting or illusory beliefs. There can be many levels and layers to clearing this away and getting back to the pureness, limitlessness, light and unconditional love we are at the core of our beings.
Over the last months I have been repeatedly guided to reach out to my twin flame in ways that tear me open with ever more vulnerability and authenticity. To tell him what he means to me, the absolute truths about how I feel, and even to say who he is to me, to lay bare my experience of the connection. I have followed the guidance in trust, faith and surrender, even when it absolutely terrified me. I have sang and shared songs for the sake of expressing my soul-song. I have written words and given voice to things I never thought I would have the courage or the integrity to say, for fear of his reaction, his rejection, or of no reaction at all. I have described every lucid dream, every telepathic or inexplicable knowing that then came true, some of the key synchronicities I have observed, everything I feel. I have told him that in searching for peace in my heart I still hope of seeing him again in physical reality in this lifetime, despite there being many barriers and obstacles to this, but that I am prepared for whatever comes, or not. I had reached a point where holding it all inside was almost too much to bear and it needed to be expressed to have more peace in myself. Much of what I wrote, I even wrote without an avenue to send it anywhere, and then prayed for an opportunity and held faith, and it eventually presented itself. I trembled even as I took the opportunity. But I did it. I thought that I was embodying fearlessness. But there were more layers still to come.
Alongside all this I have also been repeatedly guided to clean up my diet, to take better care of myself, to allow myself rest and relaxation and space for new things to enter my life. To care more for my appearance and learn that I am beautiful in my own way, unique, special, and that it is safe to be seen and to let my own inner radiance shine. I suppose the pinnacle of this side of the lesson was that yesterday on the New Moon I found myself standing on a beach full of people with feathers in my hair singing the Mahamantra 108 times over a mandala I created in the sand. I have been learning, in a deep internal process, how to be limitless, and this latest act of faith was part of a workshop I am leading for other twin flames with challenging paths to negotiate, in the interests of clearing blocks, obstacles, challenges, limits, dualities and illusions from our unions and spiritual paths for the highest good of all. There is a historical version of me, going back possibly only a couple of months ago, who would not have showed up for that, who would have shied away from showing her beliefs and her spirituality and her open heart in front of what seemed like half of Lancashire congregating on one beach on a Saturday afternoon. I thought, as you would, that I had learned the lesson. That it was a cycle completed.
Never assume, dear ones. Always be prepared for whatever comes next. Quite often, just when we think we can’t go any deeper into a piece of learning, that’s exactly where we are propelled.
During some healing last night with others, I was then told that when I reach out to my twin flame, I fear his response, or reaction, or rejection. This wasn’t a surprise – it’s something I have observed in myself before, and tried to let go of. Apparently it’s still there. I have maybe scraped the surface, or talked down or suppressed or got rid of some of the fear. But it’s still present inside me. I was also told that this pattern of feeling inferior to my twin flame goes back through a number of past lifetimes. When I think about the shared past lifetimes that I myself know about, I see that in various ways, in different guises, there is truth in that. He has always had more standing or status and has literally been my superior in some of those lifetimes, holding authority over me. Part of coming into balance is to truly see, acknowledge and embody equality. At soul level, we are all equal: it’s the physical reality that presents an illusion that we are not, and I know many Divine Feminines who have this illusion in their union in some way or another, whether their twin flame has more social status, more fame, more wealth, a more important job, or lives in a more developed country than them. We have a tendency to think that whatever is preventing our dreams from coming into being are factors external to ourselves, especially if we’ve done a great deal of painful inner soul work. But the truth is that there is often some resistance to them or conflict over them within ourselves.
I am very grateful to have been given some healing to help me balance this dynamic, and I know there has been a shift because I feel very different today – but I feel despondent, beaten up, lost, like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. Because it seems like every time I think I have transcended fears and moved things forward and made progress, it’s revealed to me that the patterns, the programmes, are still there. And while the patterns, or programmes, are still there, the same things are going to keep presenting. Up to now, the pattern in my union in this lifetime has always been the same: in higher dimensional reality, my twin flame and I work together, heal each other, and make plans for the physical reality together. I am blessed in that I receive lucid dreams and I have seen many glimpses of this that way, though I cannot know how much of that he has experienced, if any. It at least gives me unshakeable faith in what this connection is and that, at least at soul level, we are rocking our missions. In physical reality – what many in the spiritual community call “3D” for short – he is unreachable, existing in his illusory ivory towers, and I try to make contact or reach out, I try to be seen, and nothing happens. And I will wait a while and work on myself a while and then be guided to try again. And every time I am guided to try again, I am asked to do something even scarier, that triggers my fears of being seen even more, that steps further away from my comfort zone than ever before (as an analogy, I’m pretty much in the stratosphere right now, if you envision that my comfort zone is in a deep, dark cave somewhere), and every time I do – because I guess it’s in my pre-programming to follow the guidance no matter what – I am triggered into more fear-thoughts and darker nights of the soul than ever before, and then, as always, there is no reaction, no response. There may be shifts that I perceive internally, and the dreams sometimes take a different turn as a result, but for the purposes of 3D reality, nothing changes.
When you think about it, you can take any action you like in your physical reality – if the intention behind it is flawed in some way, if you’re not 100% vibrationally “behind” it yourself, for example, or you’re preoccupied with fears around what you have done, or there is part of you that dreads a reaction, in case of rejection, in case of a negative response, in case of triggering your twin flame, and other events which may ripple out from that, the energetics behind the action are conflicted. This means that the universe, which will align behind right action and see that it leads to progress or that an action or creation birthed in unconditional love will only attract back more unconditional love, does not know whether to align with your action or not. It does not know whether to allow your action to carry through to completion, whether to allow your action to be seen, received and acknowledged, or whether you really want to know the results or face the consequences of your action. The best way to manifest something or to take an action in faith and see it through to completion, even when you’re not seeking to manifest anything in particular, is to do it with unwavering faith and trust. To believe in yourself and your guidance and what you are doing 100%. To do it from a place of unconditional love wishing to express itself no matter what may or may not happen as a result of it. To do it feeling love and joy and the knowledge that you are standing in your power, speaking your truth, being authentic, and following the whispering of your heart. In other words, to fully embody the Goddess you are while doing it. I think what I have been doing is embodying her at the moment of taking the leap of faith, and then allowing other vibrations to twist the potential timelines streaming from it. It’s much like firing an arrow from a bow – if it is held straight and true, with steady hands and not a whisper of a tremble, and with clarity of vision, you will hit the bull’s eye. If not, it’s fired with good intentions, but can miss the mark or even land metres away, buried nose-first in the soil.
I think it’s fair to say I am scared of my twin flame really “seeing” me. I don’t know whether this comes from past life patterning or indeed from curses that have been placed on me, interference from negative people and forces, or what. I don’t think it’s even relevant anymore. This is something I have worked on repeatedly, not just in terms of my twin flame path either, but in terms of allowing the world to see me. I have worked on it through sharing it when I make music more, making YouTube videos for various things I do on my page more (though even then I always make them unlisted), making more and more authentic and open and vulnerable blog posts. There must have been layers and layers of this templating ingrained in me. I think I’m also afraid that if he was to present in my physical reality, it would feel weird after the connection so long being primarily in 5D, and the interaction wouldn’t “flow” like it does in the dreams, because in 3D reality I’m first and foremost human, and I get clumsy when I get nervous, both with my words and my physical actions. It’s such a paradox because what I want more than anything, with a deep soul longing, is to be able to converse with him in 3D reality or even to just collide with him again on the physical plane in some way and feel out how things have shifted.
It’s all so frustrating because the parts of me that pour forth pure unconditional love, that just want to express themselves and send out love and receive love back, want nothing to do with that fear. I am standing in those parts of me now and asking my guides and angels to help me release that fear completely, because it’s holding me back in so many ways, from becoming who I am truly supposed to be. This doesn’t mean that I am not brave, that I am not fearless or that the actions I have taken, both internal and external, haven’t been courageous, or haven’t been from a place of unconditional love. I see and I acknowledge my own courage, my own strength and my own purity of intention. It just means that that fear is causing conflict and interference in everything I do to express my love, to express my truth, to express who I am and to stand in my mission more as a leader, as a guide, as a trusted visionary to many who walk a similar path to me and need help to negotiate their path or their spiritual awakening.
I no longer choose to allow this to happen. Seeing and acknowledging it, though a painful part of the process, is empowering too, because once you see the pattern, you can break the pattern. Forever. I no longer choose to let that fear dictate that my creations and expressions of love are not seen and received with the pure vibration they intended, by whoever is meant to see and receive them, for the highest good of all. I stand in my beauty, my grace and my truth, an unfiltered Goddess, radiant and fearless.
I also understand that, when you allow yourself to be seen, it’s more important to be real and loving than to be perfect. My own perfectionist nature may be partly what is feeding this fear, so I let it go with love and intend instead to be as real and as loving as I ever have been and more.
Fear is a negative programme that keeps us playing small, and makes us hide from our own light and our own truth. It’s a stumbling-block to any manifestation you may be trying to bring into being in your physical reality. At its core, it’s just the absence of love, or the opposite extreme, if you will. In our experience as souls living a physical human existence on earth, often, we will swing like pendulums from the heights of one state to the darkest depths of the other. When we are trying to come into some sense of balance and harmony and unity with ourselves, this “swing” effect is in play. Part of breaking out of that programming is seeing and acknowledging that pattern and being prepared – being braced for it!
Often, we cannot hold the vibration of pure unconditional love – the fifth dimensional vibration – for long periods of time, because we are anchored in third dimensional reality. Often when we do things we feel soul-called to do, at the point of doing them we embody that unconditional love: it’s literally what fuels our leaps of faith. This inability to hold that vibration over long periods of time may be what causes the descent into fear. When you take an action in the name of your twin flame union, your spiritual mission, or who you are as a soul, be fully prepared that you may experience that descent and be ready for it. Be ready with prayer or affirmations (at its simplest, I AM love), which replace the negative programme with a conscious positive programme. Or be ready to make a loving action towards somebody – anybody – who presents in your life that day, generating more of the unconditional love energy and raising your vibration again – or even an act of self-love, giving yourself some time and space in nature, or treating yourself in some way.
I will be ready next time (if there is a next time, because I honestly don’t know what else the universe would have me do, though I suspect as it keeps pushing me to rise in so many ways in terms of all aspects of my path, it still has a few aces up its sleeve even in different areas of my life, and certainly if there were different opportunities, different possibilities would ensue). Instead of trying to hold that vibration of unconditional love indefinitely after I take an action or speak a truth or stand in my power and show who I am (which I think is what I have been trying to do having that inner knowing that if I don’t, I may be prey to fear-thoughts), I will consciously try to let it go in faith that I did the right thing, and let my vibration relax to whatever state it naturally wishes to revert to, and use positive affirmations and very loving, very conscious self-care over the days and weeks to follow to re-programme myself. I will consciously try to make sure that the emotions I choose to allow and acknowledge match vibrationally with the intention and the action I have taken, instead of defaulting to old programmes I am strong enough not to need anymore. I will be ready next time because in between I intend to really face myself, sit with myself, nurture myself, see myself and acknowledge myself. Find out and honour who I truly am, that Goddess within, that Goddess that now wants to be anchored and embodied in my physical self.
And it’s not all about doing things differently from this point now, either. Thank goodness, because truly what I have already done is pretty much the height of what you could do to express your fullest, most authentic truth to your twin flame (short of saying it to their face, which has not presented as an opportunity to me thus far). One good thing to remember, if you are reading this and thinking about actions you have taken, ways you have reached out to people, things you have done for your mission and spiritual path, and wondering why they either didn’t have the intended effect or reaction you’d hoped for, or why they fell flat in some way, and thinking about your own fears and conflicting vibrations – time isn’t really real. Our intention, our strength of mind and the vibration we hold in our heart here in the present moment is the source of all our power. It’s possible to use them to focus on a timeline that has already played out and heal the energetics within it – or, at least, I believe it’s possible. I have done it before in other situations, for example with family members when there has been a considerably big rift, and with elements of my own self-care and self-esteem or lack of it, leading to loss of opportunities, in my formative years. And yes, I’ve seen fairly large and sometimes miraculous shifts in the present following that work. I have already asked my guides and angels for help to ensure that the intention behind all the leaps of faith I have taken, all the ways I have reached out, all the actions I have taken to grow and step into my own mastery, and all the things I have done feeling I was fearless at the time and then fallen prey to fear, is now pure and powered by the unconditional love it came from, to ensure the highest possible outcomes for the greater good of all – whatever they may be.
In many ways it requires also the ability and bravery to fall on your own sword of light as outcomes are not always what we want, or certainly not what we want at ego level, though they are always in accordance with the Divine will. For my twin flame and in the interests of our healing and soul growth and in the interests of me stepping into my full radiance, I am prepared to do that. For humanity (for as an incarnated angel I am in service to humanity), I am prepared to do that. And I know – 100% – that there is enough love and support for me in the universe to catch me if I have to do that.
It’s a different form of surrender, I think, if you like the usual twin flame terms. It’s empowered surrender. Conscious surrender. Surrender with a full and open heart. Surrender to full, bright, blazing, unconditional love. Surrender to who I was always meant to be. Coming home to myself. A spiritual warrior, a radiant being of light, and an unfiltered Goddess.
Interestingly, when I reached this juncture of the piece, fear about posting it started to creep in – even though all I’ve been able to think about since I got up this morning has been writing a blog post to process this lesson. I then was doing a session with one of the women I am currently working with in a workshop and the topic came up about pre-sets of balance and harmony we are working towards. We all came into this incarnation with different plans and different soul contracts and setting ourselves different challenges for soul growth. “Divine timing” can be such a frustrating concept to twin flames who have walked their path in faith for a long time with not much progress, especially as technically speaking it could also be referring to a time beyond this lifetime. However, as I mentioned earlier, time is not really real. It’s a human construct that helps us make sense of the 3D physical existence. But in soul terms, we’re not constrained by time. Different timelines open up for us all the time, in response to our choices and actions and decisions – something I will always point out to people when they come to me for a reading, to ensure they understand the power is always theirs. “Divine timing” in soul terms more means a state of readiness and alignment. And in terms of achieving a physical reunion with your twin flame, or being ready to walk the mission path together, that’s what it’s about. However, you can’t measure yourself against the next person, because that state of readiness and alignment is dependent on what you pre-set for yourself as a soul prior to incarnation – the level of balance, harmony, and indeed unity you intended to achieve through walking this path for your own soul growth. I am starting to question my own exacting standards and my own soul’s wisdom prior to this incarnation, but since it is MY soul, I can’t do much but trust it! This whole lesson – frustrating though it may be – is part of that journey towards that inner state of wholeness – and that truly is what the twin flame journey is about, more than the love story some people think it is. I think my particular path has taught me that in such a perfect way, and I am grateful for it.
Frustrating or not, I do firmly believe that when things come to light, they come to light for healing. Healing in itself is an act of bringing things to the light, acknowledging and releasing them. In that sense, every shift in perspective brings forward movement on the path, no matter where that forward movement takes you. And in retrospect – because even as I’m standing here looking back over a learning cycle that took me through most of last year and possibly even before that, to this point now, I’m seeing patterns and links weaving throughout my experiences – we can often see the blessings, the soul growth and the logic in what has taken place, even when it looks like chaos and feels like lostness at the time.
I stand now at the dawning of a new phase. Unfiltered, I am one with the sunlight; one with the moonlight; one with my angel, archangel, faery and mermaid kin; one with the storm; one with my soul-song of thunder; one with the lightning of my inner power; one with the Goddess I am and have always been, forever. And I allow the miracles that are meant for me to unfold now with grace, receiving them free of limits and free of fear, because I am one with unconditional love, one with my heart, one with my twin flame, one with the Divine.
If my words have touched you, please feel welcome to use them in prayer for your own soul growth.
Closing with a current song synch that I think also speaks of the paradox that is the fear of being seen when you simultaneously REALLY want to be seen and acknowledged for who you truly are!
Copyright Silverla StMichael, February 2018