This may not be the longest post, but for me it represents one of the most profound shifts in thinking I have experienced.
I have been through a long journey in this lifetime alone, learning about love, as we all are. Learning how to love myself was an epic one for me, lasting years in my current incarnation, and spanning more lifetimes than just this one. I now believe I have tipped the balance with that particular lesson – I am not perfect at loving myself, but I have achieved a certain level of mastery and there is room now for the next lesson. The next lesson appears to be allowing myself to receive the love of others.
The bridging point between the two, at least in my experience, seems to be in the power of imperfection.
In this life I have been a perfectionist as far back as I can remember. I did not like to do anything in front of people that I wasn’t especially good at. Even performing in front of an audience brings out involuntary nerves, hot flushes and palpitations, despite the fact that I can sing reasonably well and play passable rhythm guitar if I have rehearsed enough. Although I have always had a love of writing and was quite prolific in my poetry as a teenager, I developed writer’s block that went on for many years simply because my writing was not perfect, according to my own judgement.
For this reason I have always viewed myself in quite a judgemental way, believing that I was not pretty enough, special enough, talented enough, for my dreams to come true. Seeing myself as second best or worse, every single time, in every single situation. Being hard on myself turned into a neverending rat run of trying to pack my days with as much “productive” activity as I could cram in, from study, to developing my channelling and reading skills, to forcing myself to write rather than just writing from the heart, to going over and above in every job I’ve ever worked but leaving little time and energy for myself, to cramming my children’s days with endless so-called educational experiences in an effort to prove to myself that I’m an ok mum.
Over-productive is counter-productive, of course. Over-active is tantamount to counter-intuitive. I see now that in booking up all of my time with “productive” activities, I blocked the manifestation of my true heart’s desires, because I depleted myself repeatedly of the cosmic energy that is my birthright, that could have been otherwise streamed into meditation, visualisation, and taking steps towards my ultimate dreams of being a writer, a spiritual teacher, and achieving an ideal love relationship in my life. No wonder those dreams always felt just that little bit out of reach. For as long as I was in that cycle, they always were.
The cosmic energy that we all generate when we are at rest and relaxed, that we all pull in from the universe with every breath, is of course love. Love is creative, catalystic and magical. When harnessed and released in force, it writes scripts for miracles. When scattered around too many industrious activities, its effect is still worthwhile, and yet diminished; it can never manifest as its fullest potential.
I have learned that it is ok to do the things that are in my heart to do, even if I am scared to do them sometimes. It is ok to reach out to people I feel drawn to – I am beginning to find there is usually a back-story at soul level, and mostly they do not think I am mad, just awakened. It is ok to write what is in my heart without knowing exactly what words will come – in fact, this is the natural way to write, with pure, raw, vulnerable emotion…with love dripping irresistably from every word. It is ok to do things I love to do, such as singing or playing my guitar, and not be perfect, but just in the process of learning and reconnecting to it, and doing it for the joy of doing it. It is ok to say no to work sometimes in order to do relaxing activities I enjoy, such as playing with my kids in the garden, reading for pleasure, or going for a walk.
I am not perfect for a reason. I am not perfect because I am human, and in being human, I knew on a soul level I would always be a work in progress, I would always be on a learning journey, and every step is beautiful, every step leads to soul growth, every step benefits all of humanity.
In my imperfection lies my power. In my rawness lies my authenticity. In my vulnerability lies my strength. In being the real me and knowing I am not second best, but a beloved child of God just like everybody else, and a beautiful and magnificent soul with a unique song to sing to the world, lies my purity. In being right here, right now, in the present moment, I am giving my love to the universe, to every other being, and to you.
Whatever you feel drawn to do, whoever you feel drawn to talk to, and wherever you feel drawn to go, follow the urges of your heart, knowing that it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s safe to be who you are, exactly as you are right now. In fact, the evolution of humanity depends on it.
Copyright © Silverla StMichael 2015
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